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About Digital Art / Hobbyist Member Armando Perez32/Male/United States Groups :iconstar-trek-mu: Star-Trek-MU
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I don't know what to do.  I've been here more times than I can imagine, or care to remember.  The minutes, the hours, they're a prison, a prison filled with torture.  You're on my mind more than I want you to be.  I wish I could forget, but I was never very good at that.  I wonder if you think of me too, or if you're another person who just tosses me aside like a piece of trash.

I don't know what to do.  I go through the day, trying to do fill my time with something, so I don't feel.  I want to talk to friends, but they have their own lives.  Not many people know what happened, or what I'm going through.  I feel empty, worthless.

I don't know what to do.  Songs play in my head, songs that used to bring me joy, but now just invoke solitude, loneliness, sadness.  Things that used to make me happy, make me smile, they bring me nothing right now.  Things that you brought into my life, are now like a weapon against my soul, what's left of it.

Solitude, that's what I feel.  I want to shout out to everyone what happened, but then I wouldn't be a decent man.  I wish I knew why, if there is a God, why he would allow me to feel what I did for you, when you apparently now would never feel for me.

There is another, but she is too far away.  I want to hold her, talk to her face to face.  Maybe then I wouldn't feel this anymore, maybe I could move on quickly.  But I also feel guilty, even though she knows, and has known since the beginning.  She's been through her own hell as well, her own trials, her own prison, similar to mine.  I know she feels very much the same as I do.  But she's not here, close enough for me to drive over and just hold her.

Solitude, it's all there apparently is.  I grow old and tired of it.  I don't want it.  The only solution that comes to mind is one that, in the past, was not allowed to me by fate, and now, I'm held back from out of fear, and out of uncertainty.

I don't know what to do....
For those that might remember, a few months ago I announced I was kind of in a relationship.  If you remembered that, then you may have remembered I was also developing feelings for another woman, a friend.

The woman, the friend, I was developing feelings for, I never got over those feelings, even when I got into the relationship I'm in.  Those feelings have kept growing, and earlier tonight, exploded in my face.

While she and I are still friends, at least for now, I was pretty much given an ultimatum, keep it as friends, or friendship ends, if things are going to be weird for me.

My nature, I don't want to think anything bad of her, and she told me she didn't want to lead me on, or make me feel like she was leading me on.  It's been a few hours, and now, I'm feeling that, feeling that maybe she did lead me on.  I know it's the hurt that's making me feel like that, but maybe in a way she might have been.  I won't go into details, because it'll take too long to really do that.

Because of those emotions I've been having for a woman that I wasn't in a relationship in, and also with a couple things that did happen in the relationship that I was in, I've been torn and conflicted.

I spoke at length with my girl, and I don't know if we're still together or not, given things that have happened in both of our lives, but at least I've got her to talk to.

As for the friend that I fell for, the one that rejected me earlier tonight, the pain is strong.  I've been through this pain before, and I thought as I got older, and with each rejection, it would get easier.  It gets worse.

I'm scared of losing her as a friend, and I'm scared of hurting my girl.  I'm an emotional wreck, and as I think of the weeks and months ahead, I want to scream.  Hell, I want to kill myself.  I'm not looking forward to all the pain and grief I know is waiting for me.

Each time something like this happens, I pray it's the last time, I pray I don't ever feel again, I beg for it to never happen again.  I want it to end, but I don't have the guts to just end it myself.

I wish I could forget my feelings, forget the hurt.  Other people seem to do it so easily.  Wish I knew their secret.  I know some might tell me to just not think about my friend, the one I fell for, and I'll be fine.  Problem with me, my mind is always thinking about something, and in this case, about 2 people, the one I hurt, and the one that has now hurt me.

Maybe I deserve this.  I've got sins on my soul, sins to pay for.  Maybe this is my punishment, to be heartbroken again and again.

I want the pain, the cycle to end.

If you believe in prayer, if God listens to you more than me, pray for me, everyday, pray that these feelings, these emotions, this pain, goes away soon.  I'm not strong enough to handle them.  I'm afraid they will kill me.

So just pray.
I'm coming to a point in my life where I can't handle things anymore. 
I don't know what to do.  I've been here more times than I can imagine, or care to remember.  The minutes, the hours, they're a prison, a prison filled with torture.  You're on my mind more than I want you to be.  I wish I could forget, but I was never very good at that.  I wonder if you think of me too, or if you're another person who just tosses me aside like a piece of trash.

I don't know what to do.  I go through the day, trying to do fill my time with something, so I don't feel.  I want to talk to friends, but they have their own lives.  Not many people know what happened, or what I'm going through.  I feel empty, worthless.

I don't know what to do.  Songs play in my head, songs that used to bring me joy, but now just invoke solitude, loneliness, sadness.  Things that used to make me happy, make me smile, they bring me nothing right now.  Things that you brought into my life, are now like a weapon against my soul, what's left of it.

Solitude, that's what I feel.  I want to shout out to everyone what happened, but then I wouldn't be a decent man.  I wish I knew why, if there is a God, why he would allow me to feel what I did for you, when you apparently now would never feel for me.

There is another, but she is too far away.  I want to hold her, talk to her face to face.  Maybe then I wouldn't feel this anymore, maybe I could move on quickly.  But I also feel guilty, even though she knows, and has known since the beginning.  She's been through her own hell as well, her own trials, her own prison, similar to mine.  I know she feels very much the same as I do.  But she's not here, close enough for me to drive over and just hold her.

Solitude, it's all there apparently is.  I grow old and tired of it.  I don't want it.  The only solution that comes to mind is one that, in the past, was not allowed to me by fate, and now, I'm held back from out of fear, and out of uncertainty.

I don't know what to do....

deviantID

Daihak
Armando Perez
Artist | Hobbyist | Digital Art
United States
I've lived in Los Angeles my entire life, and don't think I'm gonna be leaving anytime soon.

I'm single, never really had a relationship. I guess I'm what you call a loner.

Currently I'm working trying to start in theatre. I'm going to school right now for it, and I've got a long way to go. I'm also working towards getting a real estate license here in California.

If you've seen my work, you can tell I'm somewhat of a kid and dreamer at heart. Always been a life long Trek fan, and that will never change.

Current Residence: Los Angeles, California
deviantWEAR sizing preference: 4x
Favourite genre of music: Rock
Operating System: Windows XP mainly...
MP3 player of choice: Microsoft Zune 120 gig
Personal Quote: I'm insane, not stupid.
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:iconjbmar:
JBMar Featured By Owner Edited 3 hours ago
Nice gallery & faves! Love the cats, the girls and the TFs ;)
Reply
:iconandorada:
Andorada Featured By Owner 6 hours ago
leaf fall by Digithalie
  Hi!
Hi! by Andorada
  And thanks for the fav!
leaf fall by Digithalie
Reply
:icondaihak:
Daihak Featured By Owner 6 hours ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You're very welcome.
Reply
:iconlilmissboo1989:
lilmissboo1989 Featured By Owner 7 hours ago  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thanks for the add to the collection
Reply
:icondaihak:
Daihak Featured By Owner 7 hours ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You're very welcome.
Reply
:iconalliebi:
AllieBi Featured By Owner 16 hours ago  Hobbyist Photographer
:D Thank you for the :+fav:
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:icondaihak:
Daihak Featured By Owner 15 hours ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Always.  :)
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:iconjames-is-james:
James-Is-James Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Fave thanks!
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:icondaihak:
Daihak Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You're very welcome.
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:iconfabryking61:
FABRYKING61 Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:happybounce: :happybounce:  very very thanks for the favorite :-) (Smile) :happybounce: :happybounce: 
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